Honesty is Necessary in Love

Love is nothing without truth.
I had always thought myself to be a fairly honest person, and by society's standards I was. But what society considers honest and what true honesty really is are two separate things. We've been systematically taught in our culture to make lying a part of our lives. We do it so often that we don't even notice it anymore.

Honesty is telling "the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.” Society's definition of the truth telling is to tell the truth only if it doesn't make anyone uncomfortable, doesn't cause a conflict, and it makes you look good.

I'm not talking about the big lies, but more about the consistent, persistent "lies of omission" and "white lies" we tell people almost everyday. For me, I didn't even consider these small untruths to be lies until I experienced the exact opposite.

The whole truth.

I hadn't realized exactly how dishonest I was and how much of myself I was holding back. This dishonesty caused me to feel disconnected from others and created small walls between me and my partner. When I withheld my whole truth, I withheld others from seeing all of me. This may be fine in most relationships but not in my primary relationship with my spouse, I wanted all of me to be loved, even those parts I judged as bad or wrong.

If I wanted to create true intimacy and closeness, I was going to have to let my partner see all of me. This was very scary for me because what if she got angry, or hurt, or decided "all of me" was not what she wanted and left the relationship? But then, what kind of relationship would I have if she only knew part of me?

I never used to tell her that some of my friends dont like her. And most other things I thought would be better to be with me only.

“Honesty can be tough but it's necessary if you want a close intimate relationship.”

Many of us were taught that telling the truth is sometimes not being kind or loving, that it can separate us from what we want most, but telling the truth only separates us from our lies and our confused, limited self-images. Sure, the truth may hurt sometimes, but it never wounds the way a lie or half-truth can.

Most of us were taught to avoid pain at all costs, so it is a challenge to stand in our truth, knowing that it may seem to hurt a friend or lover or a member of our family. But when we don't tell the truth, it drives an invisible wedge between us and our lovers. If the goal is to stay within the awareness of love, the truth must be practiced continuously. Our greatest fear is that the truth will be hurtful to our lover and we will end up being alone.

The reality is that the longer we are together, the more we practice the truth, the more trust develops and the easier the truth becomes. When we hide nothing, we can give everything. One should talk to their partners about it, about being truthful about everything and if still your partner lies about certain things than you should take shit out of them completely.

In the book called "A Child of Eternity," there's a section (that I found over net) it says what I really want to say regarding honesty in relationships. This is quite a nugget. Enjoy.

"Adri stresses the importance of living in truth, not as an esoteric principle but as a discipline. I really didn't understand what she meant by this until she created a lesson to teach me.

My brother, Jamie, Michael, and I were sitting together with Adri in August 1991, about to begin a meeting. Adri decided that we were not operating in a state of truth and she challenged us to recognize that and to do something about it before we started in.

Once she pointed this out to us, I knew it was true. I sensed in us all, not lies but states of incomplete truth. Still I hadn't intended to do anything about it. Why?

Because the state of half-truth is a normal for most of us. The three of us weren't harboring dark secrets or lies that threatened to destroy our relationship or our work. We were simply suppressing all the little untruths - trying to avoid any troublesome confrontations.

Jamie went first, and confronted Michael about feelings he felt Michael was denying. Then I followed suit, questioning both Jamie's and Michael's commitment to this work. Lastly, Michael talked about how hard the whole process was for him.

Even though these weren't particularly significant concerns, still the difference in the room and between us after they were aired and cleared was amazing. I found myself in tears, first because I was certain, on a very deep level, that if I told all my truth, I would be abandoned - and secondly, because of course that didn't happen. That's the healing power of truth.

As Adri told us, "LOVING IS NOTHING WITHOUT TRUTH."

Within a loving relationship it becomes safe to reveal one's own truth. We can see that suppressing truth limited our ability to love one another. And when we limit our love, we truly limit our lives. It is within our power, each moment, to choose truth over lies and love over fear. and thus we will be Improving our relationship.